


As one listens to the rain

by dazylein



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Despair, Episode Tag, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene, Fix-It, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Season/Series 15, happiness is only real when shared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:20:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27454132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dazylein/pseuds/dazylein
Summary: The one where Cas fucks up and the Empty never comes
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 9
Kudos: 169





	As one listens to the rain

**Author's Note:**

> The title is based on the poem by Octavio Paz

“Why are you telling me this now?” Dean asks, his own voice betrays him and laces each word thick with denial. Deep down, Dean knows exactly why. The little gears in his head are still spinning but they’ve put enough information together for him to understand what’s about to happen. Cas’ track record of putting Dean always first is enough to know where this is going.

“You think that hate and anger that’s what drives you, that’s what you are. It’s not. And everyone who knows you sees it.”

Billie’s pounding against the door echoes through the room and sounds like Dean’s amplified heartbeat. It’s about to burst and they’re about to run out of time. They’re about to die and Cas’s voice carries on calmly, at peace. Dean isn’t ready to think about any of this.

“Goddammit Cas, now isn’t the time for a pep-talk! We need to figure out a way to get the hell out of here!”

Castiel tilts his head ever so slightly and gives him a weak smile. He doesn’t move. He doesn’t look around the room for any kind of weapon. He just stands there and Dean gets a nauseating sense of déjà vu, watching Cas possessed by leviathans, walking calmly into the lake.

“You are the most caring man on earth. You are the most selfless, loving, human being I will ever know. And ever since we met and ever since I pulled you out of hell, knowing you has changed me.”

“Quit it already, Cas!” Dean hisses. He needs to fucking concentrate. There has to be a way to get out of this. Sparks are flying through the door now. Death is literally looming over the place and Dean can sense in every fibre of his body.

“I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean.”

Dean’s heard enough versions of goodbye’s to not recognize this one. His thoughts are spinning, his heart’s racing and he’s not sure what he’s supposed to feel right now. Fear, love, regret. Dean decides to settle for anger.

“Just fucking stop! Whatever you’re about to say isn’t going to change anything. We’re about to dance with mistress D here, so let’s fucking prioritize already.”

Cas opens his mouth, about to say something, then closes it again. Solemnly, he takes another step towards Dean until Dean can feel Cas’ breathe settling warm against his skin.

“I’m not going to let Billie hurt you, Dean.” Castiel’s voice begins to falter and there are traces of doubt highlighting over those words. Dean watches tears form in the corner of Castiel’s blue eyes and he follows the train of one slowly rolling down the side of Cas’ cheek. He resists the urge to wipe it away.

“I’m so grateful to have known you.” Castiel puts his wounded hand on Dean’s shoulder and Dean can feel blood seeping through the cotton of his jacket. A small smile grazes Cas’ lips. “To call you, Dean Winchester, my family. To tell you how incredibly happy it makes me when I look at you. Just being around you stirs something inside of me I never thought I could feel. I love you.”

Everything happens too quickly. The door bursts open, Billie crosses over to them within seconds, Dean tries to push Cas' hand on him away -ready to fight with whatever he’s got still left in him-, while Cas successfully shoves Dean against the wall.

A second later Dean finds himself pinned against the wall with Cas protectively standing in front of him.

“Don’t make me kill you too, Castiel. A pointless sacrifice isn’t heroic.”

Billie staggers over to them, holding one hand to her infected shoulder. She’s swaying with every step and her voice is reduced to a quiet threat, the thunderous, clear-cutting edge to her voice is gone.

Castiel traps Dean against the wall, his back pressing warm and suffocating against Dean’s chest. Billie doesn’t have much power left in her, that much is obvious. Her attempt at drawing Cas away from Dean is just another proof of that. There’s only enough juice left in her to kill one of them.

Dean thinks of Sam. He refuses to believe they’re all dead now. Billie might not have been the one behind the deaths, but Sam’s smart, he’ll have figured out a way to stop Chuck for now.

Billie stands in front of them, the scythe shakes noticeably even as her hands around it tighten.

“Last chance Castiel, step away now or your head will be the first to hit the ground.”

Castiel doesn’t say anything nor does he move. His back muscles tighten and he presses himself deeper into Dean. Dean wants to fight him off, take Billie on himself, but something stays him. Cas’ stance is too firm, his hold on Dean too tight. Memories of Cas staring at him, tilting his head in a way that somehow made Dean understand that he could trust Cas. Every hopeless, fighting moment floods back to Dean’s consciousness and he finds himself blindly placing his trust in Castiel.

Billie lifts the scythe. It looks like there’s an earthquake inside her, her arm is trembling and she barely manages to lift her hand up to shoulder-height.

There’s a pull of gravity, oxygen floods more freely through Dean’s lungs again. Cas pushes off him and his fingers wrap around the bottom of Billie’s scythe.

Dean doesn’t have to think. In a second, he’s on Billie. His finger’s digging into her infected shoulder. Billie’s scream is agonizing and pierces through Dean’s ears. He feels a shift in her body when Cas successfully rips the scythe out of her grip.

It’s a moment where everything happens in slow motion. Castiel lifts his arms, the blade of the scythe glisters, Billie’s eyes widen in shock with the realization that this is it. Dean lets go of her arm and takes a step back, just as the blade cuts through Billie’s neck, and her captivated head falls off her body. The sound when it hits the ground is too low, too quickly over to accurately represent the significance of it.

*

Not a word has passed between them. The hum of the Impala keeps Dean’s sanity going as he speeds through the empty highway. Cas silently stares out the passenger window, watching the row of streetlamps merging into one as Dean races past them.

 _They’re all gone_.

Sam’s voice came through the phone as a handful of broken pieces.

_It’s Chuck. He’s behind all of this!_

_I know. They’re all gone, Dean._

_Billie’s dead._

_It doesn’t matter._

Even though Dean’s driving fast enough to lose his (fake) license if a cop were to pull him over, the drive feels endless. They still haven’t exchanged more than a few glances. It’s uncomfortably quiet in the Impala. Castiel words replay themselves over and over in Dean’s head.

None of this feels real. Part of Dean is half-convinced it’s just Chuck fucking with his head again. His heart is filled with fear and worry and Dean is content with that. He’s not about to make room for his patiently waiting hope to enter and take over.

So what if Cas loves him. So what if Dean’s been treating Cas like absolute shit over these past few months. If he tells Cas how he feels now, he risks Cas feeling happy enough to get sucked into the empty. Dean would rather keep his mouth shut than risk losing Cas again.

There’s no point in bringing the conversation up.

Dean drives the rest of the way contemplating, debating, hating himself, but always coming to the same conclusion.

They stop once at a gas station. The fresh night air does little to Dean's ever-racing thought-stream but it does finalize his decision.

When Dean comes back from the washroom, Cas has already filled up the tank and is waiting for him in the passenger seat.

Dean slides back into the driver's seat and the courage to speak doesn't come to him until they're back on the highway, driving 100mph.

"Castiel," Dean says and he can't remember the last time he's addressed Cas by his full name.

"Yes, Dean?"

"So the empty. It's just gonna take you as soon as you feel happy?"

"That was the deal we made."

"And you think- you think that loving me is what makes you truly happy?" The words feel uncomfortable on Dean's tongue and his cheeks burn.

Dean can hear Castiel sigh. "I thought it would. The emptiness never took me, so I don't know. I thought loving you was the happiest I could ever be."

There's so much, Dean realizes, so much Castiel hasn't experienced yet. Dean's had his fair share of love and heartbreaks, but Cas has never been through any of it.

The words want to be said and the words pull themselves tightly around Dean's chest. Cautiously, Dean tries to explain the problem to Cas as objectively as he can. "Happiness needs to be shared, Cas. Love... it's not a one-sided thing."

Dean can feel Cas' eyes on him. The questioning look that's sure to be taking over his entire face.

Dean keeps his eyes sternly on the road.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I thought telling you would save you, but, evidently, I was wrong. I understand if this changes things between us and you want me to leave."

Dean's heart stops beating for a moment and he feels himself start to panic. He finally slows the car down to a legal speed and risks a glance in Cas' direction. "I don't want you going anywhere without me, Cas. I just... don't see us ever becoming that." _Because the emptiness will take you before we'd even get the chance._

"I understand."

The silence that settles in the Impala feels even more oppressive than before. Thankfully, it doesn't take long for Cas to break the silence again.

"For what it's worth, I do feel better. I know how much you hate 'chick-flick moments', but I've been meaning to tell you this for years." Castiel gives out a grim chuckle, "I guess I was just scared to tell you. Telling you how I feel about you may not have been the happiest moment of my life, but I do feel like a weight's been lifted off my chest."

Dean swallows audibly. "I'm glad you told me, Cas." He forces himself to smile.

Dean smiles and keeps driving and he doesn't think about the weight on his chest. He doesn't think about the eleven years he's wasted. He doesn't think about the Empty and Cas.

Dean simply adds 'Kill the Empty' to his list of things to do and only for a second, does Dean allow himself to think about what he'll say to Cas when they beat the empty.

_I love you too, Cas._


End file.
